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I really appreciate your kind words and for your understanding. I find your analysis very insightful. I've been starting to learn about mindfulness medication (using letting the anxiety sit with you as a friend method) and so far today it has helped calm me momentarily when anxiety sprung up out of nowhere. My main concern still is how to deal with the time window between now and the test. Given that I have such a stressful transition coming up I'm really concerned about my health. My body is hurting from lacking sleep for this entire week. Even with melatonin I can't manage more than 5 hours of sleep. I'm the sole breadwinner and I have to make this new job (a rare senior executive position) work. 2nd and this is where it's causing me the most inner conflict is actually whether to take the test or not. I have placed myself in 2 risky situations in the past (unprotected intercourse) and each time the planning for testing and waiting to test and test arrangement really killed me mentally. Logically I know that my chances of acquiring HIV is less than one in 20million so in rare moments of calmness I question myself why the heck am I thinking of this. And the fact that this 20million number exist is primarily due to a mathematical model because no scientific research ever found credible actual transmission. But like you said it nags at me. So how should I deal with this? If I chose to forget this episode as suggested by the doctor how could I approach to achieve this? If I plan to test but given that my work won't allow me to do this perhaps in 4 weeks how should I pass the time with this having minimal impact and still achieve maximum work output. As for the wife I know the root cause is not that we don't have love or really enjoy each other's company. It's because she has no interest in sex which I respect. I love her not for the physical but her inner beauty. But of course she is physically also a goddess. I know that's something we will work on long term. It's my addiction or dependency on commercial sex in the past that I need to overcome and actively appreciate her. Each time I tested negative in the past I noticed just shortly after I go back to the same form of neglect instead of moving heaven and earth to see/touch her while I went through the 4 torturous test waiting period. So in fact I almost don't want to test because I feel like maintaining a conscious awareness of this minuscule insignificant risk will help me become a better man. Overall I know every else I'm doing now is 20million times more important. But I can't just act o

2014-10-29 02:17:53

Sun