Feeling empowered and superior through death

I am a hedonist and feel that pleasure is the only thing that matters in life and that if I don't have it then I and this life are both worthless. I am having severe chronic anhedonia that is there all the time and there are never brief moments (even a few seconds of pleasure). What I am about to say here (as well as what I said in my previous topics) is not something that needs to be taken for granted by anyone else here but is just how I personally feel. Although I say I would feel empowered and superior through death when you have anhedonia you cannot experience such pleasurable feelings. However this would be the closest thing to a pleasurable feeling for me with what I am about to explain here: I am an atheist who knows that even though life is about not giving up and ending your life I actually feel otherwise and I will present a compelling reason as to why: There is something in life that I absolutely hate and wish to be superior to which would be acceptance of major problems in life (such as if I had to live the rest of my life in a hospital bed with cancer or live my entire life with little to no ability to experience pleasure from a mental condition known as anhedonia or depression). This sense of superiority can come in 2 forms: 1.) Having delusional fantasies and living a happy life not having to deal with these problems or 2.) Actually using a hard cold fact of reality to my advantage such as that since there is no point in living and that we are just all going to forever die in the end anyway instead of being someone who accepts major problems in life and continues to live on anyway I will become a cold hard person and decide to do what I want by ending my pointless life. The cold hard fact of reality that since we are forever going to die in the end and that we might as well just kill ourselves this is actually something liberating to me and I can use this fact of reality to become superior to acceptance of reality’s major problems. I would have given up and died. But at least I have given up and died as someone superior. I would actually feel empowered and superior for deciding to have given up and killed myself and feel that this cold hard fact of reality I stated is my best friend since I can use it to my advantage here. Most people would not only consider those who give up and end their lives to be cowardly (weak) but they would also consider those who don’t deal with such problems and escape such problems through delusional fantasies to be cowardly as well. But I on the other hand do not feel cowardly (weak). Instead I feel the opposite which would be feeling empowered by those things. Therefore since I feel empowered instead of cowardly (weak) this is what makes me the opposite of cowardly (weak) in that I would instead be a powerful human being.

2014-10-29 02:43:52

Emma